Strictly speaking, I haven’t broken any vows. Nothing physical has happened.
I’d always thought emotional affairs sounded like nonsense – and definitely not the kind of thing I’d ever get involved in… and yet, here we are.
I’m spending hours every day in the company of a man who is not my husband. He challenges me, inspires me, makes me laugh.
He’s thoughtful, curious and clever – I could listen to him talk for hours. I know him intimately.
The only thing saving me from divorce is the third person in my marriage having absolutely no idea I exist.
He’s similarly in the dark about currently being in an extremely intense relationship with me. The object of my affection? An American actor, who hosts a podcast.
That might make it sound like a simple celebrity crush, but it’s way beyond. People have long fantasised about George Clooney etc, but all they’ve had to go on has been an aesthetic image.
They’ve watched whoever they fancy on screens, saying words someone else put into their mouths.
Now we have podcasts, we’re hearing the real person, saying what he or she genuinely thinks, how they feel. There’s nowhere to hide – this is who they really are. Looks-wise, this guy is absolutely not my type.
But our connection transcends looks. I know his soul. And I want to kiss it.
I’m super late to the podcast party, because it sounded weird, rather than just what it is – radio on demand. But because I’m late, there’s loads to catch up on. I can binge-listen. Maybe that’s why things have got so out of hand.
I was only vaguely aware of Dax Shepard before I fell in love with him.
He’s in a few gross-out comedies I’d never watch, a US sitcom that wasn’t shown here. His podcast is called Armchair Expert, and gets more than a million listeners every week. It’s two hours long, and time flies.
Dax says he is “endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy.
I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment.”
So he interviews massive stars, but then rather than talking about their latest project blah blah, asks perceptive questions about what makes them tick.
He’s also incredibly open about his own experiences. I definitely know more about him than most of the people in my stupid boring real life.
Dax comes with me everywhere – public transport, the supermarket, the car, when I’m home alone, whenever I walk anywhere. Wherever there used to be silence, now there is Dax.
And obviously he’s having a big influence on me – “Well, Dax says” is my most uttered phrase.
My husband has started doing an impression of it, with accompanying eyerolls.
He also gets cross when I credit Dax with some personal insight that he’s apparently been telling me for years. But who’s listening to him? He hasn’t got a podcast.
Luckily, I know there is no obstacle that true love cannot conquer.
There’s no reason things won’t work out between Dax and I. OK, yes, there’s an Atlantic Ocean between us, no chance at all that we’ll ever meet, and even if we did, he’s a millionaire movie star who wouldn’t look at me twice, not least because he’s very happily married to blonde, beautiful, rich, successful actress Kristen Bell .
But, you know, apart from that…
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