Koi Jaane Na movie review: Watch this excruciating film only for Aamir Khan’s song

Koi Jaane Na movie review: The film’s title is prophetic because no one seems to know what is going on for every painful minute of two hours.

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Koi Jaane Na movie cast: Kunal Kapoor, Amyra Dastur, Neha Mahajan, Ashwini Kalsekar, Atul Kulkarni, Karim Hajee, Achint Kaur, Vidya Malvade, Aditya Lakhia, Raj Zutshi
Koi Jaane Na movie director: Amin Hajee
Koi Jaane Na movie rating: Half star

‘Koi Jaane Na’ translates as No One Knows. So prophetic, you think, as soon as the film opens. Because no one quite seems to know just what’s going on, for every excruciating minute of two hours.

Kunal Kapoor is a writer with a block. Said writer’s vengeful ex (Vidya Malvade) scrunches her face and declares war. Why does she hate him so? We don’t know.

The only way for our pal to save himself is take off to a picturesque Panchgani cottage, and churn out yet another motivational tome. Trouble is, he has a secret, and it has to do with books which are cheap thrillers, not the one he is feted for by his fawning fans. How long will he be able to hide?

A bunch of people are out to dig the truth, whether he likes it or not. Ditsy girl with a dark past (Amyra Dastur), lusty wench with a sliding ‘pallu’ (Neha Mahajan), scowly cop (Ashwini Kalsekar), smart-mouthed full-time sleuth, part-time reporter (Karim Hajee), stealth photographer (Aditya Lakhia), ballsy agent in a shock of mahogany hair (Achint Kaur), kindly doctor with a long gaze (Atul Kulkarni), and a Labrador who goes by the name of Charmer.

So, what is this about? Writers seeking inspiration? The merits of pulp fiction versus serious, noble-minded literature? Damaged young women looking for closure? Why do the bodies begin piling up? Why are there portraits of caped crusaders in a secret room? Why do killers channelling Jack Nicholson roam around wearing hoodies?

Questions, questions.

Were there writers on the job? Is this really a film? Who knows? The only thing I can tell you with any conviction is that Aamir Khan is still as sexy a dancer as he has always been, and his item number with Elli AvRam is the only thing worth watching in the movie. That, and the lab.

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