rediffGURU Shalini Singh, dating coach and founder of andwemet, an online matchmaking service, offers advice on issues relating to love and compatibility in marriage, dating and more.
You can post your questions for rediffGURU Shalini Singh HERE.
Do you love someone who doesn’t recognise your feelings?
Have you been single for too long and are struggling to find a date?
rediffGURU Shalini Singh offers advice on issues relating to love and compatibility in marriage, dating and more.
- You can post your questions for rediffGURU Shalini Singh HERE.
Anonymous: I am 58 years old working in a central government office.
I have a junior female colleague who is 43 years old.
We have been working together for the past fifteen years and travel together on official tours.
She will always be jovial and I enjoy her company. Both were married and have children as well.
I like her very much and love her as well.
Recently, I developed strong feelings for her. I expressed the same to her through e-mails and WhatsApp and by showing special attention and care.
When I presented her a special jewelry gift on her birthday, she refused to accept the same.
Despite my repeated pleas and requests, she refused and when I made an emotional appeal to her on my birthday, she finally accepted and do not know till now what she has done with it!
Ever since I expressed my love to her, she withdrew from me and started to avoid me. I got the message! But, I am unable to forget her and all these happenings.
I feel like not being able to live without her and her thoughts.
In spite of my appeals to her to forgive me and my requests to her to express herself on what she feels about me and these happenings, she maintains stoic silence and never reacted so far.
I am unable to read her. Because of this, my work also suffers. I am unable to bear her moving away from me, even though she limited to speaking to me only on profession-related matters.
At the same time, my feelings towards her increase day-by-day. I am unable to tolerate this new situation and just can’t forget her.
Just wondering if I did a mistake by expressing myself to her.
I love her so much that every moment I think of her. Please advice on how to overcome this!
What you are going through is surely not fun. Having said this, it is not uncommon to get attracted to someone else despite being in a committed relationship.
You have shared how you feel with the lady; she has responded by letting you know of her disinterest in exploring this further.
You claim you love her; if so, you will want the best for her which means if she does not wish to reciprocate then you should respect her decision.
While the fact that you like her is nice, it’s important to convert this into respect.
I would recommend joining an activity or engaging in something fun like learning to dance or reading books or gardening or even doing social service.
Make sure your mind is occupied at all times.
Raveena: How to move on after a break-up?
Break-ups are not fun; here are some tips to help you move on:
1. Given that we are living in a hyper-connected world, we tend to stalk the person. The first thing that needs to be done is block the person from your phone and social media handles.
2. It’s OK to think about the reasons that lead to a break-up, more so when you are the one who has not called for it. But avoid going into an overthinking mode. Talk to yourself and say it’s over.
4. Cry it out. It’s OK too.
5. You will go through emotions of sadness, anger. Let them come but, in these times, avoid reaching out to the ex and do not let these emotions prolong.
6. You may end up eating junk which would act as comfort food. It’s OK too.
Having said this, this is an excellent time to invest in outdoor activities like going for a long walk or a run or playing a sport. Doing this will help you get over the break-up.
Do keep these things in mind too:
- Getting over a break-up can take time — anything from 60 days to six months, so don’t fight it.
- During this time, tell yourself that you deserve to be with someone who values you and that you will find the person.
- Do not enter a new relationship till you are over your break-up.
- You might be friends with your ex once you get over the break-up (you need to get over the break-up to be friends).
Hope this is helpful.
Anonymous: Hi Madam, I am 36 yrs old girl, working in central govt, I lost my parents long back.
All my siblings are elder and busy in their family, brothers don’t even talk to me, so there is no one who is seriously finding a boy for my marriage.
I tried through matrimonial apps, it didn’t work.
Based on my colleague’s advice, I tried through dating apps but nobody is genuine there; most of them are looking for hook up.
Finally I found one guy who is three years elder than me but come to know within 3 months that he too married but we are in touch through calls and messages from past six years, since I stay alone at quarters, he met me more than 30 times at my place, even spent nights with me but never forced me for anything that I don’t like.
I love him a lot but he is married so I don’t want have physical relationship with him but I too have biological urges but I am scared of getting pregnant or even losing virginity which might affect my marriage, at the same time I don’t have any hopes left on my marriage. This guy has lots of patience , we meet, drink together, do all things except intercourse , could you pls advise me whether I should have sex with him? Also I stopped using dating apps as I love this guy.
I read your question a few times… I will respond it in three parts.
Your current relationship is with someone who is not available. You are 36 and are smart to take life decisions.
You can do as you wish but incase you get intimate, keep it to that only. Do not let your emotions come into play and get used to him. Treat this relationship as a casual relationship, which it what it is.
As for getting pregnant, take precautions. More than pregnancy you should be worried about STDs. Hope this man is clean.
As for you stopping your search because of this man, remember, he is NOT AVAILABLE. So rethink as to why you are being available for someone who is not available to you.
You and only you are responsible for your current situation.
You should decide if you wish to continue to know or him or stop this relationship.
Finding someone compatible/like-minded can become easy if you are:
a. Not in a hurry.
b. Know your dealbreakers and negotiables.
c. Feel confident and good about yourself.
Once you have these things in place, you would need patience and with that you will find your person, online or offline.
It’s unfortunate you lost your parents — a virtual hug coming your way.
While parents and siblings do help in introducing their people to others, it’s wrong to expect them to help.
It’s your relationship and it is ok to find your person; in fact it’s awesome to do so.
Sid: I was in a relationship for three months but the girl never reciprocated in the same way as I did.
There was no initiative from her side but when I used to ask her why is this happening only I am trying to build but you aren’t, she used to say that I was unable to see anything she is doing for me.
To be very honest and being impartial if I was at level 10 she was at one.
One day on this very topic some arguments happened and she walked away.
After that no message no call and she used to tell me that she loved me but she never ever tried to reach out to me.
Now it’s been one month. I am literally feeling really gloomy.
Now she is putting status (a feature on social media apps) and showing that to me that I was not ready to build with her, that I uttered wrong words to her.
But honestly I am telling you that I loved her very much and tried all the ways to build with her but she never reciprocated.
I still miss her a lot but she seems to have moved on so easily. That’s hurting me too much. Simultaneously she is putting these statuses too. What to do?
1. Please block her from your social media.
2. Focus on doing something positive or be around people who appreciate you.
3. Once you feel good about yourself, then look at meeting someone who appreciates you.
- You can post your questions for rediffGURU Shalini Singh HERE
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